Some things cannot be undone

breathing

Just re-read my last post... a bit "whiney" perhaps? Fact is, I love my life. Busy with work (both contract and freelance) as well as anticipating a little home decorating before the end of the month.

What I really need and want is a vacation! As soon as the weather permits, I'll be off to Hanlan's Point for a little R&R.

THAT would set me up just right!

Rushing toward summer Solstice

Been having regular "darker" moments over the past several weeks... is it time for my medication yet?

Not much enthusiasm for anything these daze. I continue to haul this carcass out of bed each morning and do what needs to be done during the day. Fall into bed and do it again.

There's got to be more than this.

Tattoo part 1

Jhe got the outline done today. Probably needs 3 to 5 days to heal before he retraces the outline in a more solid line (that's part 2). After another week or two of healing then the shapes fill in (part 3).

Flying Time

I keep telling myself I'll post more often... and then I don't.

Been shifting my thinking over the past several weeks. The past long while has been a period of hibernation/cocooning... the moves, the relationship changes, the job changes...

2009 is another "coming out" year for me... revitalizing my presence on the landscape, moving my business forward, sorting out priorities and taking action...

...and posting with more frequency!

Tomorrow I finally get together with Jhe to do the tattoo! THERE's a marker!

still moving through

I'm slightly appalled at how my emotions trip me up daily. I'm trying so hard to find a positive place to be in the midst of the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing right now. But solace escapes me... I continue to ache and ache and ache.

Everyone's been quite liberal with their comments and condolences... the cliches run fast and thick. "Time heals all wounds." "Every time a door closes..." and stuff. It doesn't help.

I've read that the stages of grief one experiences at the end of a relationship are very similar to the stages of grief one experiences when a loved one dies. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the anticipated stages, although not everyone experiences all of them nor do they necessarily occur in the order presented. I'm recognizing some of these in myself now.

Blind-sided by the sheer weight of my grief, I am finding it difficult to concentrate on the daily tasks and responsibilities I carry. I hope this won't go on much longer.

Most days things are fine...

... then *bam!* I have a "bad Matt day" when I miss him with every fibre of my being.

When that happens, I try to attend to my emotional guidance system and redirect my thoughts to another place... one more aligned with my ideals of what adult relationships can be (should be?)

But it's not an easy thing, to shift your thinking in this way. Sometimes it can take hours to find thoughts that are more in tune with who/what/where I want to be... and during that time tears may flow, the heart aches... I am exhausted.

I feel a bit like I'm learning to walk again after having a leg amputated... bumping into things, feeling disoriented, frustrated.

"The mind may grow wise... but the heart remains a child."

-EBTG